Where to start when your loved one needs care
Where to start when you realise an older loved one needs help
When you see your family over Easter for the first time since lockdown, you will have the chance to assess how your elderly relatives are coping.
On 29 March, the stay-at-home order that has been in place since January came to an end, meaning people can travel, and outdoor gatherings are allowed. The opportunity to meet in private gardens, with no more than six people or two households, paves the way for families to meet over the Easter break.
If you are due to see your family for the first time since Christmas, or maybe longer, it will be a joyful occasion. However, the time spent apart could highlight changes within your ageing or elderly relatives. Signs of deterioration in their physical or mental health could be the first indication that they need additional support.
Use your reunion as a chance to check-in and find out how they are coping. Changes may be apparent to you but take care not to embarrass them by jumping in with negative comments. Even if you instinctively want to take action, try to plan when and what you want to say in advance. When you do find time to talk, try and make the conversation productive to hopefully avoid resistance or even an argument.
In this blog post, we take a look at the early warning signs that your loved one needs care. We also give you pointers on how to start a conversation with your family and consider how to organise the right level of care for your loved one’s needs.
Five early warning signs that your loved one might need additional support
After a period of separation, you might have increased awareness of changes in your loved one’s presentation.
If your instincts tell you something is wrong, these five signs can be a good indicator that they need additional support:
- Neglecting personal care or weight loss. Evidence of your loved one neglecting their hygiene, such as unwashed clothes or body odour, might indicate that they are struggling to cope. Noticeable weight loss could suggest an underlying health condition or highlight difficulty preparing meals or forgetting to eat.
- They seem quieter than usual or low in mood. Changes in your loved one’s mood might indicate that they are no longer coping.
- They seem lonely. Signs of loneliness could suggest that your loved one found lockdown hard to manage, so a period of regular visits might be enough to drive it away. However, loneliness may also be a by-product of depression caused by your loved one not being able to go out or not having anyone to talk to.
- New injuries. New bruises are tell-tale signs that your loved one has suffered a fall or is unstable on their feet. Modifying their house or mobility aids could help them move around safely.
- They seem confused or struggle to make decisions. Confusion could be an early sign of dementia or overall cognitive decline. If your loved one finds it hard to make decisions or needs lots of prompts and reminders, it could be a sign that they have lost the capacity to live independently.
How to talk to your loved one about your concerns and the possibility of arranging care
Seeing your loved one struggle can make you feel sad, and you may want to bring it up straight away to get it off your chest. But talking about it could be frustrating and even embarrassing for your loved one, so try and find the right time to have a meaningful conversation.
It is a good idea to start the conversation about care sooner rather than later. Make care arrangements before a crisis hits to avoid rushed decisions when everyone is under stress. Early intervention can prolong your loved one’s independence and enable them to stay in their own home for as long as possible.
Talking about ageing and lifestyle change can be tricky and emotionally charged, so how can you make sure the conversation is beneficial to all involved?
- Choose your moment. Find a time when you and your loved one are free from distractions. You will know whether to get the whole family together or for a designated family member to take the lead.
- Research the options available before you start. Care is not just moving into a care home. Understanding your choices will help you reassure your loved one that you can find care at the level they need.
- Think about how to finance their care. Funding care is a worry for families, yet there are lots of options to consider. Exploring these is another way to make the conversation easier.
- Agree on a way forward with your siblings and other key family members if possible. Try to avoid overwhelming your loved one but remember that you could confuse them with conflicting views.
- Take it slowly and address the most urgent issues first. Your loved one might accept a small amount of care to start with if it helps them with the daily tasks they find hardest. Care can increase to meet evolving needs, and it may be that once your loved one has seen the benefit of a small amount of care, they are more open to additional support.
- Talk about their end-of-life wishes. Addressing these issues is difficult, but your loved one will likely have ideas about their future care. Talking to them about their wishes will give you time to plan and make early changes that could result in more positive outcomes.
- Focus on the positives. Broach the topic of care from your loved one’s perspective. Explain that you want to make their life easier and better.
Five topics to cover when you talk to your loved one about their wishes
When you talk to your loved one about their wishes, you should try and cover these five topics:
- Where will they live in the future?
- Who in the family might be able to support them?
- What are the options if they need more care and support?
- Who could make decisions on their behalf if they are no longer able to do so for themselves?
- What are their wishes for how they want to be cared for at the end of their life?
When to organise care and how to work out how much care is needed
Once you have identified that your loved one needs care, we recommend that you make the arrangements sooner rather than later.
Using dementia care as an example, many families seek homecare when the disease has advanced to a point where they cannot cope by themselves. People often feel sad that the carers didn’t know their loved ones as they were before.
Waiting until a crisis point is reached means the care provider comes in at a stressful time for everyone, which can make it hard for your loved one to adapt to the new arrangements. If you introduce homecare early, the carer can get to know your loved one and build a relationship with your family while providing support and respite. It could help delay the onset of increased needs. Further, the amount of care can change in line with your loved one’s needs. Intervention could start from as little as half an hour a week. Dementia has a known destination, but the best support along the way can push this back.
The same applies to care in other circumstances. If your loved one’s needs are straightforward, you may want to step in yourself. However, the amount of care you offer can soon escalate without you noticing, making it harder to step back and pass responsibility to a professional. Your loved one may wonder why you no longer want to help and resist support from someone else. Early intervention could provide the support that your loved one needs and allow them to build trust in it. The hope would be that they would accept additional support more willingly as their needs change.
The first things to consider when looking for a care provider
- Needs Assessment. The local council can arrange homecare for your loved one if they are eligible for it. Start by asking for a needs assessment, which will decide whether the council can provide care. If your loved one is eligible, the council will arrange the homecare. If you intend to make arrangements yourself, a needs assessment to explain to the care provider what kind of help your loved one needs is still a good idea.
- Funding. Depending on your loved one’s circumstances, their local council may contribute to homecare costs, or you may have to pay them yourself. The council will assess your loved one’s income and savings to calculate the contribution that your family will pay.
- Benefits. Check if your loved one is eligible for benefits to help meet their homecare costs. Attendance Allowance (for those over state pension age) and Personal Independence Payments (for under 65s) are not means-tested. They are paid based on the amount of personal care your loved one needs.
- If you are arranging homecare, you can use a homecare agency or employ your own carer. Which choice is right for your loved one will depend on the circumstances and your personal preference.
- Find a local agency. You can search for a list of organisations on the NHS website, via your local council’s social services department, by contacting the Care Quality Commission (CQC), or by asking the United Kingdom Homecare Association (UKHA) for a list of approved agencies in your area.
- Is the agency any good? The CQC can give you their latest inspection report, or you might seek recommendations from people in your loved one’s local area.
Another option is to use a care broker to find a carer that meets your loved one’s unique needs. Read our blog post, Why do I need a care broker? for more information.
How Care Captains can help
The care market is complex and navigating it by yourself can feel overwhelming. Care Captains is a care brokerage service, which means that we will guide you through the process.
When you contact Care Captains, we take the time to get to know you, your loved one, and their care needs.
We can:
- Help you talk to your loved one about their care,
- Inform you of the care options available in your area,
- Approach and negotiate with suitable care providers on your behalf to achieve the best quality of care and value for money,
- Help organise budgets to pay for care costs, and
- Manage your loved one’s care package on an ongoing basis.
We give you peace of mind that your loved one is getting the best care for their needs.
Let Care Captains take the stress out of arranging care for your family. Contact us on 0345 340 5065 or send us an email [email protected]
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